Warning: Do Not Read If You Are Easily Offended
Warning: references to sex and sexual violence
Pain and pleasure
The obvious place to start. The very title gives away the truth of the situation: they are never that far apart.
I’ve covered before the effect of endorphins. In the face of fear and anticipation, they give a buzz, a high, one that enables men to go into battle, into danger, with a will and an enthusiasm. In the heat of battle, in the reality of injury, the endorphins take away the pain and the anguish, enable the fighters to continue. Simplistic, I know, but good enough for now.
Easy to see, then, that endorphins change the way fear, anticipation and pain are handled, and can turn them into something not unpleasant, a buzz. The buzz sportsmen, explorers, mountaineers and actors seek.
But time to introduce a contentious element. That buzz is sexual. We tend not to acknowledge this. Is it because it’s dumbed-down in most vanilla activities until it can’t be felt? Is it quietly ignored? Or so politically incorrect, we really don’t recognise it anymore? But another well-known phrase gives it away. Blood lust.
Killers want to have sex after killing. Soldiers want to have sex after victorious battle. Maybe sportsmen want to have sex after a game, I couldn’t say, I haven’t been there. But there is a link between sex and the endorphin rush, and it’s easy to see why. In any stressful situation, the ‘winners’ will have the greatest buzz, and the greatest opportunity for sex. If they have the desire too, evolution will be served. The strong guys, the adventurous, the winners procreate, while the weak, the timid, the losers ones do not. It works both ways, too: the women who are there at the contest, the battle, the winning will be the strong, the adventurous, the curious, themselves the winners. Procreation and continuance of a strong, competitive and selfish species is served.
That’s in-extremis, of course. But that analysis, easy to follow in the extreme example, shows quite clearly that pain, pleasure and sex are linked. Human beings are intended to be able to turn the sensation of pain into a sexual charge, are supposed to get turned on by ‘violence’, are supposed to connect deeply with other people in the midst of fear, anticipation and danger.
Pain is not the simple mechanism to avoid danger that we are taught: it has strong links into the endorphin system, it has a crucial effect on mental health and balance, it has a more powerful effect than happiness and joy, both weak stimulators of endorphins in comparison. No wonder it’s effect when recruited into sex is massive! And no wonder we team it up with pleasure while we are it. So to speak….
The Vulnerable Being
It’s innate and natural for the human being to take dominion over others, we are a competitive species, quick to take advantage, necessarily having to guard against others at all times. We also have a huge compassionate streak which is used within the ‘selfish hierarchy’ to look after our own.
These conflicting emotions give us some very strong urges when faced with a vulnerable human being, one who falls under our mercy. We can feel both the need to dominate, perhaps destroy, kill, take resources from, or take power from and, simultaneously, feel the need to nurture, to care for, to protect. Both are deep within our psyche. But the decisive boundaries are ill-defined, the morals are weak ones: do they fit within the aggressor’s own hierarchy, or out-with it? It’s often not easy to know. Is the vulnerable person within our race or with-out our family? Within our extended family or with-out our immediate family? With-in our culture or with-out our country?
The presence of two strong emotions often in conflict with each other gives rise to some unusual feelings. It is, I believe, the basis of many dominant / submissive relationships (but see also Power Exchange, next). The dominant person sees a vulnerable being, and has conflicting emotions around abusing, hurting, protecting and loving her, all of which raise strong emotions, but without clear moral direction. D/s relationships can be beautiful, strong, symbiotic, at their best, better than vanilla relationships, but at their worst, a cover for abuse.
Such relationships may be involve lifestyle slavery and submission, Gorean principles, fantasy rape, cuckolding or fantasy prostitution.
But clearly, it is within the human being to be abusive, to be loving, and to be mixtures of both. It’s a the Russian fighter plane again: can this dangerous mixture be held and held well? Can we develop strong enough morals to contain the explosive elements of our make-up?
Power Exchange
Power exchange features in many aspects of human society, although it may not always be recognised or overt. But without it, society could not function. Much of the exchange is reflected in sexual relationships, for many of the same reasons.
Consider the family unit, man, wife and kids. Man, the bread winner, the defender against all-comers, the overt strength of the unit. He needs to be strong to work and to fight. Testosterone will give him the strength and outlook to take these roles, while adrenaline and endorphins will give him the appetite to take them. But, as we examined earlier in primal society, these attributes don’t particularly lead to a stable existence, to taking a wider, balanced view, to reading emotions and feelings other than aggression.
Woman, the social glue, the balancer, the deeper stability, in the end, the survivor. Born of oestrogen, the woman’s intuition, able to socialise at a deep level, strike deep friendships, strike apparently deep friendships, able to adopt different roles and personas according to need, able to suffer with less impact on function.
Men would spend all their lives going to war or playing with bigger and better toys, competing with each other, with themselves even, but for the influence of women. But women would still try to talk their way out of situations way past the negotiating stage, they wouldn’t be able to go to battle or to fend off aggressive neighbours, but can support their men in the quest.
The dance between their respective influences and abilities needs a constantly shifting power base. Sometimes, he’s in charge: in battle, in acute strife and hostility, in society power shifts where dominance and pecking order is being established. Sometimes, she’s in charge: in chronic adversity, such as illness or famine, in times when the endorphins of men must be maintained but immediate action is not needed, when adrenaline and testosterone must be checked.
I’ve expressed this in obvious primal and primitive terms, but extrapolate this to the Victorian or 50’s household. Who was really in charge? If he didn’t maintain visible authority, he was ridiculed for being hen-pecked, for having a wife who wore the trousers. How many men put on the obvious show of authority to avoid this? But if she didn’t run the household with an iron hand, he would spend the money on sport or drink, he wouldn’t balance the needs of the family. So, quietly, behind the scenes, she ran the show, while he blustered out front.
Of course, this is all terribly politically incorrect, and from the 50’s on, with the introduction of the new man, this didn’t happen or wasn’t acknowledged. But this is a false overlay, and I’m sure the truth of the power shifts shows: power was a game played to make things work, a practical solution that avoided ineffective society or abusive societal units. Those who could shift power around would succeed, those who couldn’t, didn’t.